Like a child that wants to drive a car but can not touch the pedals yet.
Three months ago I started a mind map about my burn-out experience. What had to be a short brainstorm with the aim of a blog post, turned out to be a filled sheet with enough material for half a book. Still, I wanted to share a few thoughts as a preview.
When I reflect on my burnout and further or deeper on my entire life that preceded it, I see, recognize or remember various events and encounters that brought deeply rooted patterns and beliefs into my subconsciousness. These in turn made sure that I always attracted the same situations that would confirm these convictions. The older I got, the more stubborn they rooted and spread as unwanted weeds, and the less growth space there was for my true self. In that sense it was inevitable that I would burn up at a certain moment, completely disengaged from who I am. The burn-out confronted me with my mask and the cavity behind it.
At the moment, after 4 years of recovery, I actually feel like a child who wants to drive a car but can not touch the pedals yet. Stubborn and impatient that I am not big enough now. With moments of fear that I’m never going to be big enough. I long for a life from my essence. A life with which I can put my stamp on this world and bring change. But to reestablish this connection, to return to this essential essence, requires patience and unconditional love for yourself. Only from this essence I can fulfill that desire of life.
I feel less and less at home in the course contents that I have to teach as a teacher. The education system itself does not resonate with me anymore. And the farce of the school policy that triggered my burn-out can no longer be measured. But since it no longer runs me down to that extent, it does confirm my personal growth towards who I am.
I try to make the best of the current situation. There are several colleagues with whom I can gratefully connect on a deeper level. There are students who still want to respectfully go en route with me through my teachings. And in the meantime I take time to turn inward and clean up the patterns that still hinder the connection with my essence. What follows after that will just as well be inevitable a natural part of me.
I often bump into frustration having that stubborn, impatient child on the inside. I want to go forward, I want to be visible, I want to set myself down, I want to be myself at last. Tears roll across my cheeks for so many years of my life that seem to have been lost by so many external conditionings. Adapting and shaping myself based on what others expected or might think. At first sight it only distracted me from myself. But it is just the insights from these life experiences with which, ultimately, when I come home to myself, I can become an added value and change for others and broader this world.